Do this before trying to make new friends
Who wouldn’t want to hang with you?
Trying to make new friends can be intimidating.
Where do you go? How do you introduce yourself? What if you meet someone and they don't want to hang out?
There are practical tips to give you, those where to go, “best apps to use” posts. And I’ll share that too, at some point. Even though you’ve probably already googled that. (Bonjour or InterNations app, anyone?)
But the logistics aren’t the first thing we talk about in this community. It’s the deeper stuff we go for first.
So today we’re going to do some quick emotional preparation before trying to make new friends.
Have you ever thought about the kinds of people you want around? The type of people you want to learn from? The type of friend YOU are willing to be?
Generally speaking, most of us tend to think we’re good people with good intentions. Who wouldn’t want to be our friend? (If you’re here, we’re already friends, if that helps). Of course you're awesome!
But let’s not go into things just blindly by the seat of our pants, okay? When I moved to Toronto, Canada from the US I did that - packing my schedule with places to potentially meet people. It was exhausting.
Reflect on these to save some time:
Don’t forget about the friends you already have in your life.
I know it feels really simple to stress about your new life abroad, what your days will look like, and how you will get through it. And when I’m stressed, the first thing I like to do is tell myself I “just need some time alone.” But when done long enough, this leads to isolating myself instead of leaning into my support system and friendships. I bet there is at least one person in your life you haven't told you appreciate in a while. Something personal you haven't shared. Sure life happens and friends don't stay in touch as much - but how much of that is because we simply get lazy and want to blame the space between us on “life happening”?
I’ve done it, and I have to catch myself and own up to the fact that making a real effort in relationships means being honest. It means dropping the ball but then picking it up again and saying,
“Hey, I’ve totally been out of touch and I feel like a jerk. I love you, and I want to know what’s been going on with you. Can we catch up?” You can’t blame distance on the other person if you haven’t really tried either.
Why make new friends if you’re not being the best you can be to the friends you already have?
2. What qualities in your current friends do you love? What do you want more of?
It’s okay if certain friends fill parts of your life and not others. Maybe you have that one friend who’s known you since you were a teenager. They’ve been with you through all your dating ups and downs or family drama. (Is that just me?) Maybe you love having a friend you can talk to about blogging and building your business. Perhaps it’s a workout buddy. Or something else. Only you can decide.
You have an opportunity to re-decide what’s important to you in your life right now. Are you focused on your family life? On your health? On connecting more with yourself? Clarify these intentions. When you know yourself, you know what kind of people you need around.
When I arrived in Dubai, I realized I have a handful of friends who are similar to me in their work style or were running their own businesses. We are all around the same age, and many are single or just getting married. They are all self-reflective and good at being accountable, really make an effort to communicate. Those are qualities I wanted to carry through with any new friendships.
And as I looked toward my future, I felt a desire to have my business and also have a strong family + creative life. I knew I wanted to make more friends who had kids past the new-baby stage, who seemed happy, and who worked on both their relationships with themselves and their partners. Namely, I wanted more positive influence and examples around the kind of person I want to be.
When you’re out in the world meeting people, you can more easily recognize when there’s someone you think you want to get to know more because they speak to the qualities of who they are. Pay attention.
3. Get clear on how much you can offer your friends right now.
Are you serious about putting in the time and effort it takes to foster real friendships? Will you stay in touch and get together or will you maintain mostly through social media? I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong here. Understand what you feel is important to you right now so that you can plan where to focus your energy.
For example, I realized that if I go a full week without any girl time interaction - I don’t feel as great as the weeks I schedule in coffee dates or lunches. I feel more fulfilled when I have at least two catch ups, either on the phone with family and friends, or in person with someone I enjoy talking to. So now when I look at my calendar and see that connection time missing, I need to reach out and schedule some in!
What interactions feel best for you?
Want more?
Download the FREE 20-page guide with my 4 tips for an emotionally successful move.
BONUS: Cut yourself some slack and trust your gut
I know that being in a new place can feel super lonely. Feeling like you don’t have the greatest friends or you are afraid of being rejected by someone you really like sucks. But its normal. Everyone who has ever attended one of my Women Connect Abroad events tells me how nervous they are. Make an effort anyway. Sometimes you meet someone, even if you’re only friends for a little while, who you will remember fondly for the rest of your life.
Oh, and if someone gives you a weird vibe when you first meet them, trust it. Just because you met at a yoga studio does not make them the right friend for you. (I learned that one the hard way!)