3 ways to work with your emotions & enjoy life when you live abroad
Give yourself way more time to adjust than you’re giving yourself now.
Moving to a new city - especially in a brand new country, can bring a huge mix of emotions. There’s excitement, nervousness, fear, and even grief of the life we left wherever we’re moving from.
But under the glamour and excitement, how do we find the feeling of home? That real feeling of contentment, or even a semblance of belonging?
It’s easy to let sorting housing, banking, finding your way to the market, and plain old settling distract us during our first few months. But you’ve made a massive life change. You deserve taking the time to reflect and work through any emotions you're feeling.
Here are 3 tips to working with your emotions during the first couple years of your move (yes, it might take that long):
Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling
Stuffing your emotions works for a little while. And by work I mean that ignoring our feelings to “get everything on our to-do list done” can seem harmless and productive.
After my move in 2018, it took about 4 months to recognize that I had entered into depression. Wasn’t I grateful to live here? Wasn’t there so much opportunity for me? I couldn’t be depressed, I was just stressed from the move. But then I got a birthday call from my grandparents and it broke me. I finally let myself feel how far away from my family I was and how much I missed them. It was scary, but letting myself admit I was sad and confused allowed me to start to help myself.
To help you: Complete this statement: “Today, I’m feeling…..” and be honest with yourself. You might just free up some space in your mind or heart to feel some relief.
2. Tell someone the truth about how you’re feeling
It was so easy for me to be on catch-up calls with family or friends and say that everything was fine. That I was figuring things out slowly but surely. But on the inside I felt like I was losing it and I couldn’t let them know so they wouldn’t worry.
The minute I finally started to share with people I was having a hard time, I felt relief. And I was able to let myself feel supported.
The same goes for when you’re feeling really great about life! Maybe you’re loving that you have more free time, you had an amazing time at a networking event, or you’ve settled in to the charm your new home has to offer. It’s okay to share about the joy of those things too. The truth is, many of us feel guilty about them - but they're an honest part of our experience.
To help you: When someone asks you how you’re feeling settling in, be honest. It can be as simple as "You know what? Today feels kind of hard.” So many people have gone through the same thing. You’ll give them an opportunity to realize they weren’t alone in their experience either.
3. Assess your expectations - about the place you live, your partner if that applies, and of yourself.
I dedicated an entire chapter on this in my book At Home Anywhere because it’s that important. Before your move, you had an entire picture in your mind about what life would be like. How you'd spend your time, how you'd feel, what you'd work on, etc. After you’ve had some time to settle in, it’s helpful if you take stock of how things are going. This will help you see if anything that’s been bothering you is because of an unspoken expectation.
As an example - I moved to Dubai because of my husband. And I couldn’t figure out why I was getting so frustrated that we didn’t always have things planned to do on the weekends. I realized there was an unspoken expectation of him I’d created in my mind:
That because I “moved here for him” he would always want to make sure we were doing something in the time he had off. Rightfully so, after a long week of work, sometimes he wanted to relax at home! But we had never discussed this outright.
It wasn’t until I asked myself what I was expecting of him that I realized why I was getting upset. Finally, I could explain it to him calmly and constructively!
I also expected that I would easily transition into life here, because I'd moved countries before. But as I crept up on months 7 and 8 in Dubai, I started to get frustrated with myself for not “having it all together yet”. My assumption that I’d be able to adjust the same way was unfair to myself.
To help you: If you notice you're feeling frustrated but can’t pinpoint why - ask yourself if there’s anything you assumed your new life would be like that’s not happening yet. It might be time to cut yourself (or the city or your spouse) some slack.
The truth is, the journey of living away from the place you grew up, or your closest family and friends, is an ongoing journey of emotions. The minute we feel like we’re finally settled, we miss a wedding, or a baby shower, or someone is dealing with an illness.
Know that joy and sadness can exist in the same day, in the same minute, and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s never anything wrong with reaching out to someone - including professional therapists or counselors - to help you go through the journey supported.
You’re not alone!